Numbing out has been part of my life for as long as I can remember. There were so many things to feel, that I stopped for some years. I remember dating a men who cried more than me. I didn’t know how to take it, it actually frustrated me. In part because he was problematic as a person and also he had so much access to his emotional body.
I didn’t know that he would bring me the gift of tears. Until him I didn’t really know heartbreak. The kind of heartbreak where you can’t move your arm because your chest is spazzing. The kind of heartbreak where your ribs ache—you cry and you ask god why do you have to feel it?
That was the ultimate gift, to be cracked open by the experience of heartbreak. Where the body is shot in the back and blasts the debris out of the front from repressing emotions so long. After that I felt so touched, and vulnerable. I fought that feeling. That made it harder. Heartbreak is natural and it’s part of an evolutionary process that on a soul level was agree to. Your heart is broken for your growth and personal expansion, so you don’t get stuck. It doesn’t happen to cripple your mind.
Allowing an open chest wound is hard to let be, and often finding something else to patch it up with is the first impulse. The opening that is exposed is the only way that much light can get in. It's broken to show you how much is still in there that needs healing.